Hack 2 School Special

Not exactly the ABC Back to School Special, but a lot more fun! It's the time of year when millions of kids learn the joys of drinking, sex, and higher learning, keggers, young firm breasts, drugs, and Rock & Roll. And that's just the high schoolers! You college guys and gals get to enjoy hazings, shitty on-campus housing, stuck-up ass senior girls (and guys for the ladies), and the thrill of squandering your parents life savings on a 4 year degree so you can proudly come home and manage a Taco Bell!

Well, maybe some of you will do a little better, but lets face facts, for most kids college is a 4 year vacation from reality, clouded in a haze of drinking, drugs, and that first tender lesbian relationship (oh, i meant that first "I was drunk" bi fling, hehe). So here's to higher education and have a wonderful time going back to school. Your parents are glad to get you the hell out of there as much as you could ever be for the freedom. Make sure to stock up on all your hand gun supplies and birth control devices for you high school kids and you college kids get plenty of loans that you will either never pay back or be in debt the rest of your life paying back. And remember to pay special attention to those school related horror films so that you'll know what to expect when your local school turns into a morgue!

For further study, Ye ole professor's suggested viewing for the semester:

Blood Sisters (1986) - [The Undertaker]
Sometimes you see a movie box so many places, so many times, you just skip it cause you get tired of seeing it. I did that to this flick for years & it was a big mistake. This movie rocks. A slasher film and a sorta ghost story all rolled into one. Sorority chicks get to spend a night in a haunted brothel in order to pass initiation. Damn right! Intiate my ass too. Of course the brothers have rigged the house with scares, but soon it backfires as the scares become real (like you expected it not to?) Ghostly whores appear to some girls, and some get a little hot by looking at glimpses of the past. Too bad the nut case on the loose ruins their flashbacks and their major arteries. This movie was way more than I expected, a great ending too. Don't pass it up for years like I did.

The Campus Corpse (1977) - [The Gravedigger]
A college freshman, Jeff East, tries out for a fraternity but one of their hazings gets out of control. When he and another pledge (Charlie Martin Smith) are out in the freezing mountains, wearing only their underwear, his friend falls off a ledge and breaks his leg. Unable to move him, East must go for help-but it's too late. When the frat boys return they find the guy frozen as a turkey. The fraternity convinces him that the best thing to do is pretend the whole incident didn't happen or else they'd all get in trouble with the police. So, for a week he does everything he can to make it seem like the dead guy is still attending classes and submitting papers, not to mention trying not to freak out from all the pressure of this unpleasant situation. To steer the blame away from the Delta Frat they dress the corpse up in a ski outfit and drop him off at the bottom of a ski slope, a seeming victim of an accident. When the funeral happens and everyone is lining up for the final viewing the dead pledge opens his eyes and rises slowly, like a zombie, while the other guy's eyes keep getting larger. He dead man finally speaks-"Welcome to the Deltas!". It was all a fraternity Joke.

The Dorm That Dripped Blood (1981) - [The Undertaker]
Never knowed why I like this movie so much, it's nothing special honestly. However, I always am drawn to thinking about it when I think of slasher campus films. I guess the cool title and box do it. Seen others give it bad reviews, but i still like it and the kick ass ending . Quick tip, when school ends, don't stay behind to help close down the campus dorms . These poor losers did and all died . The opening scene of the guy's hand getting split just fucking hurts to watch, ouch! More kids too old to be in school are stalked thru the dark, empty halls of the college til none are left alive. And as usual, the poor weirdo caretaker/janitor is the prime suspect. Isn't it always the way, these guys oughta raise hell about their treatment in the movies. They got more to bitch about than Al Sharpton at a white tie supper, on a snowy night, while listening to white christmas. Anyway, this movie seems to be getting harder to rent, so dig deep. It's worth the search.

Final Exam (1981) - [The Undertaker]
This movie started off with a cool, brutal scene, but slows in the long run. Still not bad, and worth a look just for those that may have missed it. Lots of good ole campus pranks and silliness throughout. Also lots of dumb kids getting the last rites too early. Not my fav campus killer flick, but not the worst either. Some nice looking girls spice things up along the way as well. And who was that masked man anyway?

Girls Nite Out (1983) - [The Undertaker]
The local college scavenger hunt turns into a slaughter fest. There's plenty of cool shit in this movie. My favorite thing is the killers' choice of attire, the bear costume with razor blade claws, hahahahaha! I thought it was funny as hell. I doubt the victims felt likewise. Never seen a good review of this film til now, never understood why. Has a creepy feel to it all the way thru. Lots of decent, brutal murders. I guess many people can't get over the bear costume thing. Give this one a chance though, it might grab ya.

Hell High (1986) - [The Gravedigger]
In this forgotten gem of a slasher movie from the 80's a group of out of control high schoolers decide to take out their aggression on the weird, young biology teacher, who isn't afraid to stand up to their half wit behavior. After she humiliates the leader of the gang he plans on retaliation by having him and his friends dress up in monster costumes and going over to her house by the swamp to terrorize her. There's only one slight problem-the picked the wrong victim. You see, 19 years earlier that teacher was a little girl who accidently killed two teenagers by throwing a bucket of mud at their speeding motorcycle. The cycle crashed, impaling the two riders. As the gang knocks on her window and makes horriblly creepy noises the teacher starts having flashbacks to this fond childhood memory-and starts freaking out. Then, armed with a rock and soon a butcher knife she takes matters into her own bloody hands. A very well written movie that strives and succeeds to being different from the crop of movies it emerged from.

Hell Night (1981) - [The Cryptkeeper]
This one stars everyone's favorite scream queen (at least mine anyhow), Linda Blair. Damn she is a hottie. Anyhow, this is basically one of your college hazing gone wrong type movies. A group of kids has to spend the night in a haunted house and they are locked in until morning comes. Of course, the hazers have a few pranks up their sleeves to try and scare the hazees, which works, until someone decided it was time to kill for real. Some pretty good gore coupled with Linda Blair's cleavage make this a good movie. No nude scenes involving Linda, but it still makes it to my Fonzie's "Aaayye" list. I give this one 3 appendages up...two of which being thumbs.

The House On Sorority Row (1983) - [The Undertaker]
You know where this movie is going from the start, but it sure is fun getting there! Actually it has a decent enough story, plenty of nice looking ladies (these really college girls that look 30?), and a lot of cool murders. It has a little style and atmosphere that helps raise it's self up just a bit from some similar films i've seen. Kinda of the old cause and effect thing happens here, so you might say they had it coming. Enough decent chills to make for a good fun evening. Ladies will enjoy it also. If you can't find one to watch it with, a 6 pack will do ya. Music was a plus as well.

Killer Party (1986) - [The Undertaker]
A slasher flick that combines some sorta demonic possession, hmm? Was kinda interesting to me. Sometimes it was interesting, sometimes silly, but all & all enjoyable, with some decent fx & women to look at. This party got way out of hand for these college students, they begin dropping like flies. I seem to recall a diving suited killer as well, that had to be a 1st for me, hahahaha. The possession gimmick kinda took away, but hey it was try for someting different. Like Final Exam, this is the low end of the scale to me, but worthy viewing on a slow night.

The Mutilator (1983) - [The Undertaker]
If that title doesn't grab you, then what will. Pure ruthlessness is what this movie is all about. Not a lot of plot but enough to set these younguns up for the kill. The point of this movie is the gorey fx and there are enough gruesome moments for 2 movies probably. Kids go to beach cottage for a fall break (also the films alternate title ), kids die. All manner of ways and each more gruesome than the next. Good stuff if you just wanna see some brutal shit ! The finale of which is awesome ! By pick, By axe, Bye Bye.

Night School (1980) - [The Undertaker]
People are losing their heads at a local Boston college. A modern day head hunter is killing more peole than triple E in NC. Good story, good atmosphere, and 2 more great reasons to watch this film : Rachel Wards tits! Oh Yeah, i harken back to a time when up and coming young actresses were not afraid to bare it in the name of a career. Now a Days, you won't see that shit! Well, not as much anyway. But, luckily this was made in 1980, so Nudes a Poppin !! Worth the rental price alone. Still, you get a real good movie also, and a cool twist ending that actaully you see coming a mile away, but it's still nice. A large ghurka knife, a motorcycle rider dressed in black, and more head than a shitty shot on video late 90's porno add up to fun. This one is for the ladies too ! They should get a kick out of it. It has little sleaze factor to it as well. Enjoy !

Pledge Night (1988) - [The Cryptkeeper]
I am sure by now that everyone is familiar with the idiotic initiation practices by college frats called hazing. Thats right chumps, its hell week again. Fraternity pledges get tortured and terrorized all week long by the senior members in a lame ass attempt to forge a bond of brotherhood... but, it is all in good fun right? Wrong. A hippie pledge that died over 20 years ago when he was accidentally dipped in a tub of acid as part of the fun is back, and he is taking revenge. Some good gore, good effects, good nudity, coupled with some humor to boot make this one of the best frat related horror movies on the market. Besides, its always fun to watch those frat pricks get ripped to shreds while listening to Anthrax. If you agree, raise your hand. Not so fast, I didn't say Simon says, now drop and give me 20..and oh..watch the film.

Prom Night (1980) - [The Undertaker]
Yeah , i know , i know , Prom Night ??? Stop bitchin' cause i like this movie ! If you have not scene it in a while , go get the new remaster ( with the shittyy new box art) that Anchor Bay recently put out . This is one of those movies from my youngertaker days gone by that i saw in a REAL theatre ; not one of those shitty cineamalls that rot around the country nowadays . I mean one huge screen , a balcony , & screamin' chicks , what more could a kid want ?? Actually ,Prom Nght was the movie i saw in place of Fulci's GODLY Zombie . I was to go see Zombie one week , but the movie was rated no one at all under 17 ( they wouldn't even let me in with my mom ) ; so to make up for it she took me to see Prom Night the next week . Worked for me !! Though i am still harboring anger for night seeing Zombie on the big screen damn it !! Any way , Prom Night has a cool revenge plot with the masked killer actually doing it for all the right reasons . Not the usual maniac or monster , just payback . Needed more gore & nudity , but the disco music is cool ( where can i get that sound track ?? ) A piece of shattered mirror makes for a good slice tool as well . I kinda think that Jamie Lee had those boobs pumped up before this movie personally , cause they look might round & bouncy during her dance scenes !!! Amen !! Damn now i sound like Randy from Scream , but at least i'm still alive !!! :) Oh yeah , Prom Night had phone call scary's way before Scream too ( just as many others did , so maybe that film wasn't the be all end all of horror ) . One last good point , the nerdy fat kid in Prom Night gets some !! Way to go , gives all fan boyz hope . I liked the old janitor myself , who gets the wonderful moon shot from that blonde cutey ! Too bad noone believed him when he told 'em what was up ??

The Prowler (1981) - [The Undertaker]
Now here's a movie that is memorable & awesome !! One of the top 10 slasher films of all time if you ask me . Set in both the past & present on prom night ( what a great night , huh ? ) , this movie delivers the goods with style , blood , & atmosphere ( something later slasher movies would soon forget ) . In 1945 a g.i. gets a dear john letter and comes home for vengeance pitchfork style. Back to the present day 1980 ( i know some of you still live in the 80's anyway so... ) , it's prom night again at the same school and guess who shows up ? By the way , if you live in , go to school at , or even work where some crazed murderer has rampaged , get the hell out of that place . It usually comes back to bite you in the ass if you don't . Well , prom night goes along pretty good til the helmet wearing killer starts to rack 'em up . Some great kill scenes in this movie are made even better by Tom Savini's loving hand . He also was the killer under the mask if i remember correctly . The 1st set of murders are awesome !! Great camera work & a creepy atmosphere keep this film way above average . The guy getting the bayonet thru the top of his head and still trying to move his mouth always gets me ! The pitchforked girl in the shower as well . This movie has it all going for it ! Probably be a good date movie with the right girl . If you can find it , rent it and see how good slasher films can be .

Satan's Cheerleaders (1976) - [The Undertaker]
Ah yes, one from the good ole mid 70's !! These high school cheerleaders are red hot & all very easy on the eyes. Loved seeing them chased about here and there, Hell, even their coach is hot ! Poor girls get stranded in satans back country thanks to that horny satanic janitor. It's all fun from their in as boobs booble and asses jiggle for well over an hour. Gotta be careful of those cults out there. This whole town was in on the scheme. Of course when the time comes satan rejects this sad lot of human waste and invests his power into the hottets of the cheerleaders. Who wouldn't ? No gore to see but, the film is just fun to watch. Makes you look at cheerleaders in the same sleazy way you did before you watched it.

Slaughter High (1985) - [The Undertaker]
A pretty cool revenge of the nerd horror film. After being humiliated, abused, and finally burned with acid ; poor nerdy Marty gets his vengeance on his tormentors. I'm not sure why these people showed up for this mysterious reunion since noone knew the benefactor but hey the fodder had to come from somewhere. And of course who would have guesed the killer's id? heheheehe. Still, it has some good stuff and is fun to watch. Caroline Munroe is along for the ride too, so enjoy.

Sorority House Massacre (1985) - [The Undertaker]
An ok flick even if it steals most of it's ideas from Halloween. Don't get me wrong i mean that fact alone makes the movie seem lame cause the rip offs are so blatant, but it does have it's moments and a few breasts. A couple of decent knifeings help also. I mean all movies copy something, but it would have been nice to try and hide it a little better. At least get the family and brothers sister shit out of there.

Splatter University (1984) - [The Undertaker]
A troma college slasher ? i guess. This has the look of a much older movie like from the 70's, but i'm not sure. The uncut version is supposed to be more bloody so look for that one. Lots of fun to watch and not much plot to bog down your viewing mind. Had gore a plenty and the box is cool as well so what more do ya need ? Could have been better but there are far worse, at least it's fun.

* A special thanks to the University of Virginia. Another proud reason to be from the state that is "For Lovers", UVA recently arrested their local peeping tom this past week. He had been sneaking a look for sometime now and had previous arrests for past activities. Can't say i blame him looking in to all those coed windows, the lesson here is don't get caught!

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