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Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
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Undertaker's Shark Week 2004

The murky waters surrounding Buried.com land are filled with tons of nasty creatures, parasites, & diarrhea causing bacteria, however, the sharks swim around the most and cost the most to feed. It's time for them to pony up and earn their keep, so here's shark week two. The 1st shark week (which the Discovery Channel stole from us in the 1st place) focused mainly on the Italian Jaws rip-offs. This year I decided to look at many of the newer films, which nearly all suck ass, and some of the older classics. Now, most of these flicks The Gravedigger already reviewed, including Megalodon, which I haven't seen yet. But, I haven't had my chance to hiss at them yet, hence shark week 2004. You may also wanna see the review on Jaws of Death a/k/a Mako, the Jaws of Death, if you really are that interested. What unimpressed me most about these newer killer shark films was the shitty, meandering plots and the sucky digital FX. Besides Deep Blue Sea, most of what came since is just fodder to get drunk and laugh at. You'll see what I mean. Keep on swimmin' with bowlegged women!

Red Water (2003) - [The Undertaker]
Wow, this looked like made for cable crap to me which I later found out it was. Lou Diamond Phillips tries hard to make this okay, but there's no hope here. The plot winds around a bull shark getting up river and eating a few people… very few. This thing needed way more action in that respect. The couple of attacks you do see aren't bad, but too few and far between for my tastes. Of course, there had to be some other dumb ass plot element thrown for no reason as we get some goof ball gangsta and some Aussie goof trying to find some drug money thrown in the river 3 years prior. The token rapper here is Coolio, playing the hardened criminal looking to get that money back. Sorry, I found him about as imposing as Barney. Don't know about the rivers near you, but all of 'em around here would have took that shit and ran it to the sea in three years. The little box the find was supposed to stay in place or in proximity that long? It is to laugh. Poor Lou spends the whole film getting his ass kicked until the end when they drill the shark. Now, I loved this shit. The shark comes up to bite some ass and they drop a huge industrial drill down its throat, totally mauling this poor ole' bull shark. This sad excuse for a movie does pay off with the one of the best shark killin's I have seen. Go figure.

Shark Zone (2003) - [The Undertaker]
This had a few decent moments, but overall, it was kinda lame and the plot had too much silliness about it for me. Once again, there's way too much going on to try and tie it all up. Can't we just have the killer sharks and deal with that? The are a good amount of sharks here and some stock footage and some footage lifted from Shark Attack 3. A group of divers get attacked at the beginning looking for some shit, hell I forget what. They do find some sharks and get mauled. After, the usual looking diver slash guy responsible for keeping the beaches safe has shark problems. I think he was the son of one of the divers that got nailed at the beginning. Anyway, more sharks, more corruption, and folks show up that want some diamonds lying in the SHARK ZONE! Mores tepid dialog, Mr. Responsible has to go diving to save his kidnapped brat and the bad guys get bitten in the end. Like this review, I was too confused to care by the end. Maybe I'll watch it again soon… yeah right.

Dark Waters (2004) - [The Undertaker]
This movie ain't nothing but a piss poor rip-off of Deep Blue Sea. The sharks look dumb, the under sea stuff looks like an X Box game. The one thing I liked about this was the hot chick who's constantly wet and making wise cracks, the tough cookie chick. Other wise, this shit offers nothing. The damned attacks look goofy as do the fish. Lorenzo Lamas should be hanged. Can you say time and money waster? Say Dark Waters! This military using animals plot is really getting on my nerves. Can't anyone come up with something else? I had hopes for this movie, but now I only hope there's never a part deux.

Shark Attack (1999) - [The Undertaker]
Sharks get some kinda sickness that makes 'em really hungry and aggressive and they start using the coast of South Africa for a buffet. Casper Von Dien is the "hero" here; I wish he could have been eaten too! The storyline isn't too bad, a few okay maulings, some shitty looking sharks, and some stock footage make this nearly watchable. Could have been better, or worse. I'd call it middle of the road. It looks like an Oscar winner compared to Dark Waters or Shark Zone, but it's nowhere close to those that have come before. Hell, somebody liked it enough to cause two sequels thus far.

Shark Attack 2 (2001) - [The Undertaker]
This is probably the low point of the three S.A. films, however, it's kinda fun to watch cause it's so damn funny. Two diver chicks get attack by a shark. One dies, but her sister manages to poke out one of the fish's eyes. So, this one-eyed shark ends up getting captured and put in an aquarium. That's when all the fun begins, as the living sister that created old one-eye breaks in, trying to kill it. She fails, the guy responsible talks her out of it. Soon, he's gotta try and kill it too as the thing kills an assistant and escapes. Guess the shark could see pretty well with that eye it had left. The aquarium guy gets screwed by the owner and we end up with a bunch of folks hunting Moby eye…uh…I mean dick. Some crocodile hunter dude is brought in as "the expert" and brings more fodder for the shark to kill. Like I said earlier, it's all pretty silly and bad, but you can get wasted and have fun with this one. A few good deaths in the ocean help, so does the hot lil' chick trying to shoot the Great White. The ending didn't impress me, but you get what ya pay for. I rented this for $3.69… hahahahaha! Give it a laugh.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002) - [The Undertaker]
Part three of the series wasn't too bad in my opinion. The little blonde dinosaur fish expert has that trashy, sexy look about her, and shows those tittys before the film ends. A shark attack turns from bad to worse when they find out a baby Megalodon is the cause. The baby was 15 ft., so you know mamma is at least three times bigger. The plot line here wasn't bad, but the shark attacks border on the silly. When big Mamma Meg shows up, it's very digital looking and the attacks had me grinning. I especially got a laugh at the very first victims of the adult Meg as these two guys are swallowed whole. It looked like someone used Photo Shop and cut & pasted the two men into the mouth of the digitized shark. Damn, that shit looked goofy. You're getting the picture about how things looked, right? Well, despite that, it was fun and I had a good ole' time getting' drunk and watching this 90 minutes waste away. I loved the smooth way our hero gets the slutty looking scientist chick into bed. He says he's kinda down but really wired after they've had a bad day at sharkin'. She agrees. He then asks if she wants to come home with him and let him eat her pussy! Hahahahahahaha, does that really work with sciencey type chicks? Man, I gotta try that. Any who, guess I liked the subject matter, which enhanced the viewing more than anything. I wish a decent Megalodon movie would be made though. I thought Steve Alten's awesome book Meg was gonna be made into a flick. I hope so, 'til then I gotta have this I reckon. Damn!

Deep Blue Sea (1999) - [The Undertaker]
Deep Blue ended up being a damn good movie. It's probably the best killer shark film since the 70's and surely blows away what's come since. Sharks are being used as guinea pigs to study and hopefully find some kind of cure for Alzheimer's. That's a good, noble cause, however, the experimenting makes the sharks super smart & way bigger than your average Mako. You can pretty much figure out what's gonna happen soon enough. Some good fun stuff in here, my favorite of which being Samuel L. Jackson getting a big chomp as he gives some wonderful speech. You never saw this coming at this point and it makes for a great shock and a great laugh after. Guess he's a Big Kahuna burger now! Once a tropical storm hits, knocking out power and flooding the sea lab called Aquatica where all this shit is taking place, the fun really begins! Cool movie, even token rapper L.L. Cool J doesn't bug me that bad in this. Deep Blue came thankfully after a llooonngg dry spell for shark flicks. Luckily, no cheesy sequel came and we have this to remember. Multiple sharks, some good FX and attacks, and by god a plot you can follow. Amen!

Jaws 4: The Revenge (1987) - [The Undertaker]
Most people hate The Revenge and yes it does have some dumb plot elements, but I think it's kinda fun. I love the end where old ass Ellen Brody spears this 4th killer shark to somehow come into her family's life with a boat. Hey, at least they got an original cast member from one and two to come back here folks. Where's that damn Hooper been? His ass swam away in one and I guess decided fuck this shark crap, I'm outta here, hahahahaha! Anyway, four has some pretty gory attacks, especially the 1st one where the younger son gets mauled, losing first an arm then later all the rest. Still, what are the chances of meeting all these huge sharks by one group of people? Ellen seems to think the sharks have it in for her family and after 4 of these films I have to agree. Not sure how they manage to find 'em or how one got from New York to the Bahamas or wherever the fuck her oldest son was living, they sure do though. The shark really does fuck up that banana boat ride, don't it….hahahaha! Damn, that was too cool! Take The Revenge for what it is and you'll have a great time. Did you really expect the fourth Jaws to try and be all that great or original? Rumor has it that a fifth film could be in the works sometime down the road with a group of killer great whites on the prowl. Sounds cool to me, bring it on!

Jaws 3 in 3D (1983) - [The Undertaker]
Well, I hope the 3D stuff worked well in the theaters, as that would have been the only gimmick helping 3. I saw it on video, so I didn't have the 3D shit to save it for me. I just didn't like the FX in this thing. The story wasn't bad, the attacks were okay, but something was just not cool here in the 3D sequel in my view. Them Brody folks can attract more big great white sharks than a dump truck load of dead seals thrown in off the Australian coast. Somebody should have been watching that damn lagoon gate when big mama swam in. Shit hits the water after that. Fun at times, 3D does have its moments and you can have a few laughs watching. Lou Gossett, Jr. looks like he don't want any parts of this shark or this film at times. Maybe it's me, but I felt like the magic of the 1st two movies was way gone by this point.

Jaws 2 (1978) - [The Undertaker]
Poor Amity, this town can't seem to catch a break when it comes to oversize, man-eating fish. Big damn shark number two swims into town and puts the bite on teens, boats, and even a small chopper before Chief Brody can beat this one down. Pretty good follow up to Jaws, but it doesn't have the same impact the 1st film did. Hooper's not around to help Brody this time and the Chief is suffering from some major shell shock when it comes to water and sharks. I'm wondering why the old fellow stuck around. I'm also wondering who would even come to this place on vacation. No matter, they do and even the locals are more than willing to become cut bait for Jowls to. Good movie, just not nearly as good as one. What did you expect it is a sequel.

Jaws (1975) - [The Undertaker]
A true classic, even if Speilberg made it, which kicked off a slew of killer animal, killer fish, and water based horror films. I'll admit I saw this in the movies as a kid and it scared me shitty less. When that dude's head floats out of that hole in the boat, now that was scary way back when. Didn't have to worry about me going swimming for a decade or so. The film was based on the awesome novel of the same name by Peter Benchley and the story really does kick ass. It's a simple tale and that probably makes the film work. Big shark likes to eat. People taste good. People live near the beach and go in the water in Amity. Shark gets fed. Town goes ape shit. The shark attacks and FX here look cool and the colorful character of Quint played by Robert Shaw steals the show. Jaws set all kinda box office records until Star Wars came along and it pretty much started the whole "summer blockbuster" mentality for fans and studios. Bruce the Shark retired to a much easier gig at Universal studios after 3 sequels that never quite got it right again. Jaws was kinda like our Moby Dick for horror fans and remains king of the fish flicks. I can watch this thing anytime, a rarity beyond measure when speaking of fright flicks. Damn, a PG rating back in '75 was wide open for some brutal shit, wasn't it? What happened? Great stuff here, even moms dig Jaws.

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