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The Undertaker's Very Buried X-mas Special

It's that wonderful time of the year again, when you buy gifts for relatives you hate and would otherwise avoid like a leper. When anyone with a red pot and a bell starts enjoying a second income. When children are all nestled snug in their beds & with visions of pokemon crap implanted in their heads. When you try and find exactly what the hell is in a fruitcake and why people pass them down from generation to generation (the same fruitcake that is)! When Santa at the mall smells like cheap scotch and cigars and he keeps older "little girls" on his lap a bit too long. When you finally get the chance to tell the neighbors' kids that santa ain't real & never was, much to their shocked horror filled eyes. When you get to watch The Grinch that Stole Christmas and realize he had the right idea in the 1st place & miss Boris Karloff. When you understand that if there was a red nosed reindeer in your area that some stupid hunter would have nailed him by now. When you get to go out after dark and make all the snowmen in the neighborhood real "men" by just simply moving the carrot nose a few inches south. You can also give him yellow shoes depending on how much beer you drink before heading out. When credit card companies smile, a lot!! When you're net worth as a human being is measured in how many presents you bought for others. When it's cool to be a fat slob & over eat. A time of joy, a time of cheer & a time to put the moves on every drunken chick in the household, even if it is your brothers wife, or stepmom, or cousin or... A time to remember that x-mas is a birthday....... and that it really sucks to get a combination birthday/x-mas present!! And a time to... watch all kinds of fucked up holiday movies with killer santas and whatnot. So while i get my yulelog hot & ready, give my chestnuts a squeeze for freshness, and try and find my misletoe beltbuckle; here are a few gems i would love to remember with fond memories past. God Bless us, everyone...

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) - [The Undertaker]
I like to watch this one every year if possible. The best santa slasher in my book. This film raised one hell of a controversy when intially released & was pulled from theatres in some areas. Too bad, cause the film is pure fun!! Not recommend for kids at all. Will scar anyone's outlook on santa siuts, hahahaha. Hell, this movie has tons of great moments you'll never see in mainstream cinema again. Like the opening scene where an escaped criminal in a santa suit rapes and kills off a kids mom while the child looks on. Scarred for life? You betcha!! Can't guess what happens for the rest of the movie, huh? Has great one- liners, tits ( L. Quigley's ), and lots of blood. Some scenes were pretty innovative at the time and still hold up well today. The sequels really dropped the ball, but this 1st film shines on like the star of Bethlehem. Santas watching, Santas waiting...hehe great music too!

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1973) - [The Undertaker]
Once released as Night of the Dark Fullmoon, this is a slightly hard to find 70's film that is pretty cool despite it's slower pacing. Some decent axe murders and other killings take place throughout as a killer takes revenge on those responisble for a revolt at an insane asylum that resulted in the death of a loved one. Not bad as a who done it or a straight horror film. Love that title!! Could have been better, but is worth the time and money. Just something about those old insane asylums ; always causeing trouble down the road,eh? This one may be hard to hunt down, but a must see for the holiday slasher fans out there. Are there any? Hope so or i feel mighty lonely.

Christmas Evil (1980) - [The Undertaker]
Well, all things have a beginning & this bad boy influenced & started the santa killer films if you ask me. I guess we can call this movie Father Christmas for what it did, hahahahaa! This movie's looks are a bit deceiving as it's not bloody or graphic. However, it does have it's own morbid x-mas story to tell and is twisted to the core. What would cause a boy to grow into a rampageing holiday nutcase? Watching mom get felt up by santa claus of course!! The term ticking time bomb applys well here. Our hero is a big christmas nut that actually works in a toy factory and keeps tabs on which kids are naughty or nice in the neighborhood. Of course the poor guy looses it and you pretty much can figure out the rest. Classic stuff here folks and a real gem to watch. Note to parents out there, don't have sex with your hubby still in santa costume or at least lock the door. It may pay off in a big way in your child's future. Sadly, this guy was actually only trying to help people and in the end gets his fondest wish. a/k/a Terror in Toyland, You Better WAtch out

Don't Open Till Christmas (1984) - [The Undertaker]
Here's a very cool holiday movie for you, a British film about a sicko killing off santas. Has some wonderful moments thru-out with santas getting their come-uppins in many bloody ways. Set in England's dreary looking London around the holidays, this movie had an especially weird look about it to me. Caroline Munroe is on hand and looks very nice. Can she sit on my lap?? This movie had a good size bodycount as i recall and was a bit of a surprise to me all around. Never though the land of bad teeth, hot tea, and blood pudding would put out this Dickens of a movie. Wonders never cease. Poor old Saint Nick ; watching out, hiding, naughty, or nice didn't really make a difference here. If you wore the suit, ya got the boot. Underrated and needs more attention. Find it and watch it!! Ho Ho Ho.

To All A Goodnight (1980) - [The Undertaker]
When i 1st rented this movie, i had no idea i had run into another killer santa claus flick really. Boy was i happy!! As happy as a kid on x-mas morning. A good movie for it's kind. Has loads of good scenes and plenty of deaths. Kinda weird ending to boot. You can't go wrong with this one. When you have chicks hanging out and partying at a finishing school ( what gets finished at these places anyway? ) for girls during the holidays you know troubles' around the corner. Guys show up, the lady in charge is pissed and soon the rowdiness turns deadly. Santa is not amused and a killing spree insues. Not much plot to get in the way, so sit back and enjoy the slayride!! Pretty cool title as well. Directed by David Hess.

Black Christmas (1974) - [The Undertaker]
If i had to nominate a movie for the most influential horror movie ; yet overlooked, it would be this classic. I kinda feel like this movie set the tone & atmosphere for slasher films for years to come & it came out about 4 years BEFORE Halloween. It's basically bloodless, you never see the killer, & it still scares the free willies out of ya! After watching this movie, a ringing phone will never seem the same ( how many years Before Scream are we talking here, it was made in "74 ). The camera work alone had to rub off on a slew of directors that made their slasher movies later ; those that say it didn't are lying their asses off. The whole movie has a sinister tone that keeps building. This best part is you know exactly what's happening the whole time, the poor characters in the film are clueless til the end which is awesome. If you haven't seen it ; you should, if only to see where many films owe their heritage. If Pyscho is the grandfather of the slasher film genre, then Black Christmas is certainly the grandmother of the modern era films. You get to see Margot Kidder acting drunk and slutty too as a bonus. John Saxon turns in another great role as the police cheif. This one is definetly a stocking stuffer and one of the best yule tide scare films around since it's set on Christmas eve. Watch it.

Satan Claus (1999) - [The Cryptkeeper]
Tack on another for our Xmas slashers section, courtesy of Rounds Ent! A serial killer dressed like Santa Claus roams New York spreading terror and bloodshed. The only known clue left behind is that he always cuts off a different part of the victims body and keeps it to decorate his Christmas Tree O' Death. An actor and his police girlfriend, with the help of a voodoo woman try to put a stop to the killings. This one will keep you in suspense until the end about who is actually doing the killing..and watching this sick Santa decorate his tree with the body parts of his victims is reason enough to see this one! Some minor sound problems plague this one a little, but still worthy of a look. Dust this one off and watch again around Christmas!

Santa Claws - [The Cryptkeeper]
As a young boy, Wayne turns a gun on his mother and the guy that is schtooping her on Christmas Eve. After turning 18, he is released from Juvi Detention and gets a job at a T&A video production company. This is where he becomes infatuated with Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon), star of their production called Scream Queen Christmas. Old sex starved Wayne starts killing off the rest of the models as he sets his sights on Raven. John A. Russo has written and directed on of the best "whack-job stalker" movies that I have seen. This movie is fairly gory but has more nudity than a Larry Flynt hot tub party, which is the films biggest saving grace. A light hearted Christmas soundtrack being played while our killer does his dirty work while wearing a Santa Clause suit is a great added touch. This one will be enjoyed by fans of horror, fans of humor and fans of naked chicks alike. Did someone say stocking stuffer?

More films to watch :

1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the best cartoon ever made for the holidays)

2. Scrooge -The old classic b&w films kick ass, it's a ghost story afterall.

3. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, 3, 4 & 5 (2 & 5 are ok, 3, 4 suck!)

4. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation -Not horror, but sums up what the holidays mean for most of us. I saw this in a theatre years ago thru a gin fogged daze while trying to put the make on some chick and still laughed my ass off!

5. The Nightmare Before Christmas -Love it! A modern Classic!

Attention, Attention!!!! We need your help!!!
Seeking more way out santa slasher and holiday horror films set around x-mas, thanksgiving, & New Years. If you know of any, please email me damn it!

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