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Alien (1979)
Movie Review by The Mortician

Alien (1979) It's amazing this movie was the hit it was. More horror than sci-fi with characters so far removed from the fantasy world of STAR WARS that it's amazing. As a matter of fact, re-watching ALIEN on its 35th Anniversary release here (the 2003 director's cut) it occurred to me that the characters are very much like the people I work with at my stinking Regular Joe job: grumpy, grumbling, unhappy, argumentative, squabbling, and always asking for more money. Maybe that's how we can instantly relate to them and the predicament that the Company puts them in: being EXPENDABLE to bring back an alien life form that the Mother ship awakens them to investigate. That's how most corporations treat their employees these days. You're EXPENDABLE and their only interest is in making a profit off your broken back. ALIEN is like a haunted house movie in space. (Oh, the lighting! So dark and strobing- funhouse trickery!) Once the creature is brought aboard the ship (in scenes oozing sexuality- the investigating crew goes into vagina-like caves to find the creature and the infamous facehugger alien attaches a cock down John Hurt's throat, impregnating him with its next form---talk about rape connotations!), it still packs a spooky wallop as the crew of the Nostromo is picked off one by one by the ever growing creature. And how about Veronica Hart's death, with the giant tail that slides between her legs and goes right into her naughty hole, lifting her right off the floor? And the deep throating a porn mag bit in the altercation between Ripley and Ash? ALIEN is a surprisingly pornographic movie when I look at it today---or am I just imagining things? Gotta love it! And of course the ending, where Sohorny Beaver strips off her flight suit and we see that she ain't just one of the grumblin' guys after all, sporting wet, translucent bikini bottoms five sizes too small that show off the clear outline of her hot camel toe--- shot from gloriously perverse low angles as she tries to slip into her space suit in a final showdown with the monster. Love the tight T-shirt that shows off her giant breasts, rising from her shirt like twin mountains. Nothing like seeing a moist, hot beaver in panties too small sprawled across a 50 foot movie screen when you're ten years old, right? All hail director Ridley Scott and his subliminal perversions in ALIEN! But the real star of the movie is still the downright spookshow scariness of the crew hunting and being hunted in those dark spaceship corridors where the alien creature blends in so well with its biomechanical look. It never fails that each time I watch this classic film I notice a new scene where the alien is just visible amidst the shadows (like Michael Myers in HALLOWEEN) that I never noticed before- this time swinging from chains in a brief shot before Brain, er Brent (Harry Dean Stanton) bites the dust. Sent chills up my spine and had to rewind that scene several times (along with Sohorny's twat shots, of course!). And Jerry Goldsmith...what a score! Moody with strings and strange sounds, it totally is the definition of alien. The man was a master musician and his music here is brilliant and trendsetting, as always. ALIEN. And I cannot fail to mention H.R. Geiger's supreme art design, from the spaceships to the alien landscapes to the Xenomorph herself---unforgettable, and up until that one last shot at the end where the alien is jettisoned into space, you'd never guess it was just a man in a suit! Incredible costume design. One of my all-time favorites movies- scary gory, sexy, dark, horrific, just a masterpiece of all time. One I quite honestly jack off to in terms of complete fandom worship. Kneel down and view it again on a large screen, late at night, with all the lights off, people. Tonight.

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