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12.12.2017
Blitzkrieg: Escape From Stalag 69 (2008)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal
04.02.10

Blitzkrieg: Escape From Stalag 69 (2008) This movie is a JOKE. And not a funny one, either. I'll try to keep the ranting short, but first off: calling "Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69" a modern "Ilsa" movie or a 'nazisploitation' film, in general, is an insult to the the genre and to euro-trash-exploit-fans everywhere... Obviously, the budget for this movie was very small and I never fault a movie for trying with limited resources, but I DO find it crucial for film-makers with minimal funds to stay within their boundaries! Director Keith J. Crocker (watch the DVD featurette) was actually trying to make some kind of "epic" out of this with, what he thought, were realistic historical elements from WWII death-camps. He says he was not trying to make anything blatantly exploitive out of "Blitzkrieg"... Now, aside from the gratuitous, sexually perverse torture sequences scattered throughout the film - he performed the unintentional task of creating one of the most boring EXPLOITATION movies ever. This thing is over two hours long (...feels more like three and punch in the balls!) and insists on having a cast of non-actors reciting many pages of THE most tedious dialog at a time. Not only that, the 'story' fails to follow even the slightest bit of linear coherence, thus, the pacing is horribly uneven which makes the movie impossible to get into... Other than that - we have bland, boring sets, extremely phony German accents, a jive talking black chick calling the commandant a "over-weight cracka muthafucka" in a supposed 1945 time period (she even has a nice lower back tattoo!) and other such prisoners gossiping about whether or not the Nazi officials are 'gay'... Where did Crocker get his history facts from? MTV's "The Real World"?? There is nothing enjoyable about this movie. The few torture scenes and several castrations are pretty tame and run-of-the-mill stuff - never even teetering along the lines of "shocking" or "disturbing" and there is NO REASON for a movie like this to surpass two hours! Avoid, avoid, avoid...

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