Cannibal Vampire Schoolgirls From Outer Space (1998)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal
02.05.12
This is one of the worst things I've seen in a long ass time. In fact, I watched this "film" about a week ago and have since taken into question my life long love for the horror genre. I feel that by writing this review (I use the word "review" loosely, in this case), I can hopefully extinguish the fires of hate that are burning in the pit of my blackened soul and exorcise myself of the undeserved distaste for a genre of film that I have adored all my life... Let the cleansing begin.
"Cannibal Vampire Schoolgirls from Outer Space" is one of those movies with an "outrageous" and "eye catching" title that amateur horror film makers have used as a crutch to peddle their uninteresting, zero-budget mush for quite some time. I've come to understand this (as with flashy cover art), that if the packaging and title contain no aspect of modesty and are unusually 'exploitationy' sounding, then they are purely meant as a way to trick you into wasting your valuable time with cheap crap. "Cannibal Vampire Schoolgirls from Outer Space" is easily one of the most boring SOV movies I can recall sitting through. Watching a 24 hour marathon of Polonia brothers films with your testicles stuck to hot plate would be a wiser choice in viewing.
I'm not entirely sure what this film was about since the horribly garbled audio - layered with the consistent hiss/hum of shitty camera technology - as well as the lack of any subtitle options on the DVD - precluded any comprehension in terms of dialog. Visually, however, the gist seems to be: a sorority house full of broads are actually blood sucking aliens. The film repeatedly cuts to overly long, grueling shots of a guy confessing (I think) something to a female cop. Again, the audio is completely incoherent. There are absolutely NO gore effects - aside from chicks with blood around their mouths - and the asshole director obviously wasn't able to charm any of his "actresses" into showing ANY amount of skin. One bitch actually throws her towel OVER THE CAMERA LENS before getting into a bathtub!! Tedious fake interviews are also thrown in at the beginning and tail end of the movie and they drone on and ON (though - oddly - these were most convincing actors in the whole movie. Go figure...) and it's all genuinely pointless. There is really nothing good about "Cannibal Vampire Schoolgirls from Outer Space". Simply putrid!
This is one of the worst things I've seen in a long ass time. In fact, I watched this "film" about a week ago and have since taken into question my life long love for the horror genre. I feel that by writing this review (I use the word "review" loosely, in this case), I can hopefully extinguish the fires of hate that are burning in the pit of my blackened soul and exorcise myself of the undeserved distaste for a genre of film that I have adored all my life... Let the cleansing begin.
