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Cobra (1986)
Movie Review by The Mortician

Cobra (1986) All right! It's classic sleazy Sly in an '80's exploitation flick that's part action part slasher. Ya just can't go wrong, right? The plot is pretty much the tagline (and the big one-liner) of the movie: CRIME IS A DISEASE. MEET THE CURE. It's Stallone, man, all buffed out with mirrored shades sporting a match stick in his mouth to add to his toughness. The plot? Er, right, well...there's an ax wielding biker gang out there, killing innocent folks in the name of THE NEW WORLD ORDER. We're never told what that is or how that works, but no matter...it's crazed maniacal biker gang looking folks mowing down innocent patrons in grocery stores. (Reaping another classic line when Stallone confronts one of the terrorists: "I'll blow this place up!" says Mr. Bad Guy. "Go ahead...make my.... oh, I mean Go ahead, I don't shop here anyway!" Sly retorts.) In addition to the match stick and mirrored shades, Sly wears shoe lifts to maintain height opposite then wife Brigitte Nielsen, who sees the bad guys amidst a killing rampage and they suddenly MUST knock off the air-headed witness who probably couldn't identify herself in the mirror. No matter, there's car chases, shootouts, crazed murders, and an end confrontation where Sly meathooks one of the bad guys TEXAS CHAINSAW style, you know? Bridgette is sexy but doesn't flaunt near enough skin, except in a slick music montage scene where she sports a bold bathing suit so thin in the crotch area that she HAD to have a Brazilian wax to wear it properly, for those thinking in those terms (she's, er, a fashion model. Delicious!) that likes too much ketchup on her French Fries...that's about the gist of her character!) Hey, there's also Dirty Harry's first partner and the Scorpio killer himself, Andrew Robinson, in kind of useless supporting roles, but what the hell? There's action, there's smoke, there's fire, and there's Sly kickin' ass like Rambo with a badge, man. What more do you need? I hear there's like a two hour UNCUT version of this movie floating around but have yet to get a hold of it. Can't imagine that additional plotline would add much, but there might be some more GORE to be seen, at the very least...COBRA! High quality 80's family entertainment. I saw it all by my lonesome on opening day in '86, and still love it on Blu!

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