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Dr. Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks (1973)
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Movie Review by The Undertaker
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11.20.02
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Holy shit, what a movie! I love to pop in a tape, expect nothing, and be rewarded with something as hilariously cool as this movie. Let's see now, where shall we begin? Well, first off it's Count Frankenstein, not Dr., hahahaha! Then, we have Boris Lugosi portraying the heart-felt role of Oop the Neanderthal man. What castle of freaks would be complete without freaks, right? So we have a giant that the Count has brought back to life for his monster. He kinda looks like comedian Steven Wright with better hair and a scarred forehead. There's my hero the dwarf, a peeping tom and semi-perv that gets kicked out of the castle. How bad has life become when you get booted from a castle of freaks? Poor little fellow, he does get his in the end though. We have a horny hunchback cook who's making off to the woodshed with the gypsy woman servant every chance they get for some kinky rough sex. Of course the Count's right hand man is a sadistic asshole named Hans that hates our poor dwarf. Not everyone in the castle is a freak though, the Count has a hot ass looking daughter and a very sexy vixen that has come to shack up with him for the weekend. Luckily for us, both like to get naked, sometimes together. This tape said 'pg', but damn, there were some hot scenes and some nasty ones also. Upon being kicked out of the castle, our dwarf meets up with said Oop the Neanderthal and they become friends. He tries to teach the dummy how to cook, but Oop prefers his meat raw. He does teach one important lesson to our caveman buddy, how to rock that ass. Oop kidnaps a chick and wants to have dinner until the little guy shows him that girls are for loving. Guess Oops a might rough though, cause she's found the next day with two broken legs and a snapped neck, way to go Captain Caveman. Now the giant Steven Wright look-alike monster likes Count Frankenstein's new lady. Our dwarf decides to go back to the castle and turn the big bastard loose and all hell breaks loose instead. He kills off most of the castle's residents and a few townies. In the meantime Oop has stolen off the sexy lady visting the castle so you know a showdown is imminent. The monster meanders to Oop's cave and the clash of the not so titans ensues. Oop uses fire, but nobody told the creature that he was suppose to be afraid of fire. Next he tries biting, but gets a knee lift for his trouble before pulling out the caveman special and trying to club the giant to death. It fails and poor Oop dies in the back breaker. Soon the town mob (of about 9 people) trap the giant and burn the poor guy in the cave as our dwarf is held in the busty, comforting arms of the now dead Count's hot looking mistress friend. She finally realized the man of her dreams was right their under her skirt the whole time I guess, way to go lil' fella. Please, somebody tell me they have also seen this crazy-ass flick sometime. I guess I'll call this my Thanksgiving movie for the week for 2002. It's an Italian style turkey, but won't leave that dry taste in your mouth. Freaks, tits, wrestling action, and cavemen add up to a great time in my book.
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Rating: 3.3 out of 10.0 - 4 votes cast total
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