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Hatchet II (2010)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal

Hatchet II (2010) I vaguely recall sitting through the first "Hatchet" movie when it hit DVD and didn't mind it too much. It was pretty much your standard, formulaic slasher that was dumbed down with terrible comedy to appeal to the modern horror scene. While I didn't think much of "Hatchet", I found it hard to hate a flick with such emphasis on practical gore effects...

"Hatchet II" is basically the same movie and my impression was basically the same. Danielle Harris - in all of her unlikable, yet dick-tingling hotness - plays the surviving chick from the Victor Crowley massacre who wants desperately to kill Crowley for good. Tony Todd - the voodoo, Mardi Gras douche - assembles a team of hunters whom he promises $500 dollars each to go along on the expedition and an additional $5,000 to the one who can kill the disfigured mongrel mutant.

Body count galore and cool looking death scenes ensue - such as a belt-sander to the skull, a double chainsaw vertical slit, guy getting choked out by his own entrails, and even a chick getting a hatchet blade in the ol' cunt. There's also a pointless back story given to Crowley in which we learned he was the spawn of a Cajun woman who fucked Kane Hodder and was cursed by his dying wife. The only amusing part of this was seeing Kane Hodder cry like a bitch after sex...

As we all surely know by now, director Adam Green is a self-important punk ass who thinks these movies are MUCH better than they really are (he should hang out with Nick Palumbo and they can jerk each other off). Still, I can't bring myself to bash the "Hatchet" flicks too bad, since they are just mindless American slasher shit with a good amount of disposable entertainment value.

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