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Jason X (2002)
Movie Review by The Undertaker

Jason X (2002) $7.25 for a movie ticket, $6.75 for popcorn and drink, $40 left over for a hooker, watching Jason slaughter more teenies in the 10th Friday the 13th epic...priceless. I have to say that Jason X more than exceeded my expectations, because honestly I really wasn't looking for much to begin with. This film is way better than I ever thought it could be. Though it basically boils down to an Alien rip-off after 10 minutes, it does have a certain charm that only a machete can deliver. The special effects were very good, especially the sci-fi type shit. Would you have ever thought that F13 would go from a summer camp to a spaceship to a new Earth? Let me pick at the bad things 1st off though. Jason X seems to have totally forgotten the logic laid down in number 9 which I thought was actually a very good entry in the series. This film does mimic Aliens' feel very much in spots (but what evil being abroad a spaceship film doesn't). The plot is pretty far fetched as always, but were you expecting an Oscar winning script here? The dialog isn't great most of the time. I would have thought 400 years in the future would have improved communication. Guess not. The new 'upgraded' Jason looked very much like Deaths Head 2 from the old Marvel comic to me. I didn't like what I saw of it in the commercials on TV, but in the film it kinda grew on me. Some of the plot elements were of course rehash, but how could that not happen after 9 previous movies? Anyway, on to the good things (and to my eyes there were many) Jason X had to offer for 2002. Foremost, this thing was fucking brutal from start to finish. Big body count (which upholds that wonderful F13 standard) was here in spades people. Yes, believe it or not, this film is bloody...very much so. Perhaps because it's been awhile since I saw some actual blood in a film that didn't try to be 'cool' about it. Arm hacked off, spines and necks snapped, man doing a very good human helicopter spin on a huge drill, stabbings, a man torn to pieces, throat slit, and the best one to me... the girl in the lab when Jason awakens. Let's just call that scene 'shattered dreams' shall we. People were actually applauding this one scene. I would never have thought I'd hear people clap at Jason X. Maybe there is hope for our nations youth, hahahahaha! The film also had a real fast pace throughout. It never slowed much, nor tried many silly sub-plots. Jason X also brought along a little sleaze to the theatre. A few almost sex scenes, one of which was a fairly kinky take on the old student/teacher grade negotiation theme help gives a little taste of an F13 tradition. What else can wake up a 400 year old Voorhees? Hot teenage hormones do the trick every time! There was a little nudity to be had here to, mostly by the two lovely 1980 ladies at the end when Jason is being tricked by a holographic environment. You get to see some android tits also, complete with fall-away nipples. It all adds up to a slightly sleazy viewing. Kane Hodder has become 'the man behind the mask' and does another great job here in 10. I guess I'm just a little too happy to see another F13 (though the studio seems to want to avoid that association a little now) to really see as many of the films faults as I should...oh well, fuck it, it was fun. Now that we have reached 10, let's all hope we get to the magic # of 13 and really end this thing in grand form. Hell, if Lucas can get out 9 more shitty Star Wars 'epics', we should be able to have 3 more Friday the 13th films. Here's my pitch for the last 3 in a ballsack. In 11, Jason ravages the lakeside community of an Earth 2 resort for fun as our now hot-ass looking 400 year old female lead from 10 is hot on his trail. She helps some Earth 2 do- gooders trap him and use a time machine to send him back in time to our time of 2004. So begins 12, Jason is back in modern day America slaughtering his way back to Crystal Lake, now a pricey summer camp for teenage runaway nymphomaniacs who are counseled by former porn stars now serving Jesus! We also finally find out why Jason hates sex so much. He was molested by a Catholic priest of course and still has a few issues. Add to that the trauma of carrying around a13 inch rotten penis, and the knowledge that somewhere out there he has a love child from a past quickie with a nearly dead camper he let live (off screen of course) and you see why he and sex don't mix anymore. Jason slaughters homeward bound, but he is being followed by his son! Hell bent on revenge for leaving him fatherless for all these years, he thinks knows what must be done to put and end to the Voorhees family forever. Let's just say that it ain't pretty and Jason's Mom must be dug up and used in the proceedings. They meet for the 1st time at Crystal Lake at the end of part 12. The real final F13, #13, has Jason stalking the nubile campers of this new wonderful facility as his son tries to stop Dads evil ways. Of course, he gets sidetracked by a few of these teen nymphos and a couple of the ex-porn star counselors along the way. It seems nothing will stop the killing machine in part 13 either, but Jason really is a Mommas boy at heart and that could be the key. The long lost son has been carrying Grannies skull around with him all these years and now finds the rest of her remains near the lake. By digging up the old girl, replacing that missing skull, and of course having some wanton sex near the corpse, Mrs. Voorhees is brought back to life and she is not happy. Calling for her son, She seems to be ready to pick up where she left off in the 1st film, attacking and killing her grandsons new sexy friends and going for his throat. Jason arrives in time to make the save (hey, he wears a goalie mask). Yep, machete save and a beauty sends Mrs. Voorhees back to the grave forever. Then it's time for him and sonny boy to have a heart-to-heart talk. You see, it turns out all those years ago Jason was drowned by Momma. She was the one that let him drown not some stupid teenage lifeguard. She had simply turned batty afterwards and blamed the kids of the camp. Jason was just taking out his anger from Moms dirty deed on everyone else which he now admits (after 1013 dead bodies) was wrong. So promise me son not to do the things I've done, walk away from these young campers if you can. Jason and son share a tearful goodbye and realizing that he belongs back in the lake from wherest he came. Handing son his hockey mask and machete, Jason walks back into the lake. It parts like the red sea in the 10 Commandments and he walks in and lays down to finally rest in peace as the water rush in to cover our buddy. Son looks at the mask and blade strangely. The last F13 13 scene we see are the 2 objects of destruction being buried and a Camp Crystal Lake sign being hammered in to the ground nearby over the grave. Rest in Pieces good friends!
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