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08.19.2017
Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010)
Movie Review by The Mortician
10.18.12

Nude Nuns With Big Guns (2010) It's a good thing that those of the Christian faith don't react like the Muslims when their religious beliefs are desecrated in the movies, otherwise the Catholic church would've probably nuked the planet by now (or at least restarted the Crusades) after seeing just the title alone of this one! NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS, man! Netflix, which is rapidly becoming the streaming version of those back rooms in the old mom and pop video stores (wear a rubber raincoat now, will ya?!?) really know how to select the wacky titles, don't they? And of course, there's people like me watching this stuff, er, "for business reasons" as Max Renn in VIDEODROME would say! It's pretty obvious what you're gonna get when you click PLAY on this sucker, so what do we have? A fairly current grindhouse, nunsploitation epic that doesn't go quite as far as some of the Jess Franco naughty nun "insert shot" contributions to the genre, but...it's all still here! Nuns being drugged up, pimped out, and assaulted! Naked nuns! Naked LESBIAN nuns rubbing all over each other! And finally, nuns loading up with guns and blasting bad guys away, including those nasty male Priest/Drug Dealers! The plot: somewhere in Mexico, I guess, there's a sect of Catholic churches that are dealing drugs, raping their nuns, and pimping them out as prostitutes. When a few nuns are murdered in a drug deal gone bad, one survivor gets pissed off, "hears a message from God", gets some guns...and starts blasting away the corrupt clergy Paul Kersey-style. The vigilante nun also has a lesbian nun lover, and every time I started to lose interest in the proceedings, the director would wisely cut to strippers taking everything off in a club that the clergy's bodyguards frequent or show a nice lovemaking scene with the nun and her gal pal. This kept me from snoozing. This movie is shot in the style of a Robert Rodriguez flick, right down to homaging his sexy sax score for HORROR PLANET (as a matter of fact, at first, I thought they licensed the score it's so damn close!) and having strange freeze frames and graphics show up to introduce all the characters. So there you have it...let's re-cap: naked lesbian nuns blasting away corrupt clergy with an extreme camp tone. I think the movie would've worked better if they would've kept it more serious, but...what the hell. There's plenty of female flesh and an abundance of bad guys getting blasted. Everything mentioned in the title is delivered in a sleazy, third rate manner. What more could you hope for? EXPENDABLES 3?

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