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Sharknado (2013)
Movie Review by The Mortician

Sharknado (2013) Okay, we have a giant typhoon heading toward L.A. with multiple tornadoes spawning out of it as it hits land. Of course, said tornadoes originated in the ocean as water spouts and sucked up schools of huge sharks out there, and when they hit land...well, they spit out giant sharks at the unsuspecting public like bullets out of a gun! Rat-tat-rat! Take that! A-ha! Add to that, much of the area is flooded, and these giant sharks seem to be able to thrive in about a foot of water anyway, chomping up extras in swimming pools and... whew, what a b-movie concept, eh? It can only be The Asylum and their latest goretoon, er...CGI fest... that premiered on the Sy Fy Channel and continues its "success" on the Streaming and DVD platforms. Amidst the chaos of screaming wind on the sound track, computer rain (overlaying images of dry streets and blue skies!), and CGI storms destroying computer houses and buildings, there's a small group of protagonists rushing around town saving folks in jeopardy like the Justice League Of America...including a boring, extended scene of school kids caught in a bus as flood waters rise and cartoon sharks snake around their sinking ride. This super group---featuring one leading man who looks like Christian Slater (but it's not) and another guy who resembles the lead singer of Rammstein, Till Lindemann (but it's not) and some funky, chunky chicks (with "starlet" Tara Reid sleepwalking through her part and straining to remember her sporadic two-sentence maximum lines like she's constipated but still might be a good lay in the right circumstances)---is on the way to rescue the one dude's estranged family as the flood waters rise and the sharks fall out of the sky. Or something to that effect. The super group end up at a warehouse full of high-tech weapons and going up in a helicopter to shoot "bombs" into the tornadoes (because you know that when hot air meets cold air it causes the twisters and all you have to do is throw a bomb inside them to stop ‘em cold, did we learn that in TWISTER?!?!) and then all that's left to do is battle with the flying sharks as they sail through the sky at everyone. Ahhhh, but our heroes have the ultimate in defenses, brandishing guns, knives, chainsaws, harpoons, and anything else that can be made to slay computer fish. And speaking of that sea smell, this movie stinks to high heaven like spoiled tuna; this writer found it to be a real chore to sit through, even if it was a freebie on my Amazon Prime Streaming (thank goodness the cheap shipping is the real bargain for that!). Rarely did SHARKNADO even hold my attention with its pathetic story, poorly-executed Atari computer special effects and plodding direction, courtesy of former Fangoria journalist Anthony C. Ferrante. At under 90 minutes in running time, this flick feels like a bloated 13-week summer miniseries that's never going to end, and by the time you get to the sweat-inducing final reel where two characters have been swallowed by a giant shark (a'la Jonah and the Whale) and one of them chainsaws his way out of the fish in a grand finale of 4th of July Computerworks, you're ready to watch something good and erase the memory of this shark chum right out of your mind. What a bad, lame movie this is, not fun at all, folks. I sure wish this sorry trend of dimestore CGI shark cheapies would go away. What's next? SHARK EXORCIST? SHARK ZOMBIE? SHARK WARS? SHARKINATOR? Come on...give me a break!

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