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Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Movie Review by The Mortician

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) Linnea Quigley, topless and getting' it on with a dude on a pool table! In tiny Daisy Duke jean shorts, which come off pretty fast too! Scenario seems like it's straight out of a classic porn film. Then Psycho Santa busts in, grabs her for whoring around, being NAUGHTY and NAKED, and impales the topless tart on reindeer antlers! All right! It's just one of many classic moments in the controversial Santa slasher movie that's part of my holiday viewing pleasure each year, replacing FROSTY THE SNOWMAN and RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER. Santa is one traumatized teen Billy, who witnessed mom and dad killed by a felon dressed in a Santa suit years back. Not only was Santa a murderer, but he took time to rape Billy's mom (and slash her throat!) right in front of him on a cold winter's night, smack dab in the middle of a deserted highway! (Realism factor here- how could Santa even get it up when it was that cold out with the SHRINKAGE factor? Hmmmmm....) No wonder Billy is so Santa confused, right after crazy old Grampa in a nursing home warned the kid about Santa: "You see him, you better run for your life!" Sent to live in a foster school run by overbearing nuns that hammer into Billy's head how evil SEX is and how the NAUGHTY FUCKERS of the world are PUNISHED, Billy is further abused by a crazed old nun, especially when he spies on two older kids sneaking off for a quick fuck. It's no wonder he's a messed up teen, and when he gets a job at a toy store and ends up playing SANTA for the season well, you know what happens! It's time to PUNISH the naughty fuckers in this fair town! As Billy hacks up the bullies, thieves, fornicators, and drunks of the city (kind of like Charles Bronson in a Santa suit), the usual doofus cops are hot on his trail, just five thousand steps behind him---along with a good HAWT LOOKING nun in Doctor Loomis mode. The uncut edition of this movie features ample gore and abundant nudity: lingering tits and ass shots thrown in about every 5 minutes, I noticed: Billy's mom's shirt is ripped open multiple times in flashbacks and we see her jiggling MILF breasts before her throat is slashed, the teens in the nun house frolicking in the sheets get ample time as the gal's breasts are caressed over and over with her pointy nipples responding on cue, the hot slut at the store where Billy works lets her breasts spill out while gettin' down to the boner with Billy (in a dream scene) and a work colleague in the warehouse (before Billy stabs her with with a box cutter in the stomach, splashing blood all over her naked hot boobs!!! NAUGHTY!!!!), and finally, there's hot ass Linnea, shaking her hot bod to the deer antler shuffle! Brilliance! I just wish the good nun, a MILF herself, would've gotten in on the nudity and sex action at some point, Jess Franco style! That would've truly made the Establishment want to burn every print of this cult classic! (Well, they did anyway, but this would've insured its decimation!) Everything ends up in a big confrontation with Billy and the evil hag nun at his old school, and wraps up nicely. This is a characteristic 80's fun-time, sleazy slasher movie with no regard to morals, the holidays, or anything politically correct! I absolutely love this movie, and I'm so proud that I purchased a copy at my family friendly local Walmart! Good to see them helping the decline of the Western civilization for a crispy dollar. I intend to watch it again this season, and maybe stroke it to some of my favorite scenes of slutty nekkid action performed by the hawt women within! Yeah! Happy holidaze, all! "NAUGHTY!" No gifts for me this year! PUNISH ME! Oh yeah!
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