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08.19.2017
Thirst (2010)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal
03.22.11

Thirst (2010) "Open Water in the desert" my ass! Whoever the moron was who made that stupid comment that got printed on the DVD cover had to be wine-and-dined, or possibly blown, to state something so bold about a movie that is SO shitty! Anyone who has seen gay indie director Gus Van Sant's faux-art house bore-fest "Gerry" should actually watch that AGAIN instead of watching "Thirst" - and "Gerry" included 8+ minutes of dialog-free walking shots!

"Thirst" involves a group of pansy-ass, white, preppy, middle class shit heads who drive out into the middle of the desert for a photo shoot. Why they drove so far for this is nothing short of a mystery. No, actually, it's shitty writing. I stand corrected. The dumb prick driving the car swerves to miss a coyote in the road and crashes. Sounding creative yet?! Well, they're stranded and they only have two bottles of water. The 'blonde slut' character has her skull cracked open by the 'nice bookworm' chick in order to relieve pressure around her brain brought on by the crash. She dies. After two or so days of sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, they decide to start walking. Mr. I love Coyotes Enough to Risk All of Our Pathetic Lives is brave enough to suck the possibly venomous blood from around a rattlesnake's head, but refuses to drink his own piss like the rest of the half-wits. Oh well. Nothing of any interest happens until the end, when the one remaining character injects the contents of a breast implant into her body, thus hydrating her...

I've seen some real 10 out of 10 on the SHIT SCALE turds from Red Box, but I just hated "Thirst" so much. The characters were your typical mismatched stereotypes, there was no feeling of dread inflicted upon me while watching their struggle, the implausibility was constant, and everything was painfully predictable. Watch "Open Water" or "Frozen"!

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