Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
Horror movies, reviews and more at buried.com
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05.29.2017
The Spastic Cannibal On Horror Movie Cliches

Here I sit. Fairly sleep deprived, suffering from caffeine fatigue and mildly annoyed by the faint sound of a "Kettle Works" infomercial playing in the background. It just dawned on me that I was in prime ranting mode. "What kind of rant?" you may be asking as my every word is undoubtedly boring you while thoughts of limitless internet pornography at your very fingertips only become a deterrent from my awfully useless, droning text... Horror film cliches!

Now, this may be trite, or even "cliche" in itself to bother pointing this type of shit out, but I'm in no mood to care about my own faults. I only wish to point out the shortcomings of others, right now.

First things first, I am fed up with women in showers (camera typically fixed on the shoulder-to-scalp ratio for a tasteful PG-13 experience concerning many of today's more predictable horror films) hearing a noise and calling out - always expecting something harmless. This can happen elsewhere, but the shower really seems to be the stand-out setting for this type of shit. Chick will drape a towel around her blasphemous and offensive naked body and slowly walk toward the noise, saying something like "Mark? Is that you?" and eventually, "This isn't funny anymore!". Really? Because if I hear a strange noise I'll either ignore it or if it is persistent I will begin firing hollow points through walls like any NORMAL person would! Also, on the subject of cliche lines spoken in horror films, one that always makes me shiver with frustration is "This place gives me the creeps." I am a firm believer that this sentence has never been spoken in a real life situation EVER. I may be wrong, but I stand by that...

Then, there's one of the most ridiculous things a killer can do, even in a cinematic capacity, which is plant bodies in an elaborate "funhouse" manner, in which they drop or often times swing from different spots around the locale. I've seen plenty of instances where a corpse will fall or flop out on it's own, with NO trip wires or established pull chords anywhere in sight. Golly! Instead of going through all of that trouble just to startle your next victim, you could be setting clever traps for them, ensuring a kill. Clearly, there's some ingenuity that goes into some of these apparatuses that are meant to simply propel the dead remains of a person at their terrified friend that offers nothing except for a jolt to wake up the vexed audience.

Oh, and the whole 'car not starting' scenario that has been played out since time began, but what always makes me smile in disgust is just a small detail of this predictable "go to" method of how after the people run to a car - sometimes a random, unlocked car - they expect the keys to be in the ignition. I guess in the world of horror cinema anything is possible. Maybe the people in "horror film world" are all FOR car theft and it is the most unusual thing fathomable to come across a car without keys consciously left in the ignition. I know when I get behind the wheel of my automobile and I instinctively reach to turn a key that I feel "should" already be there, I don't go "Shit!" and start panicking. I think to myself, "Wow. You stupid prick-face. That would've been horribly irresponsible!" Anyway - ONWARD!

One horror film cliche that I have heard people mention that I actually disagree with is the "false scare" performed by a cat jumping out of an "unexpected" nook. If I can be open for the sake of paradigm, I have been startled by cats more than anything I have ever encountered. I've had 'em jump out of fucking dumpsters, from behind shit, and even attack me broad side! The little fuckers do that! And for some reason, I'm always expecting it in a horror movie but never in real life. I should! We ALL should!

Usually, in any case, if you smack a 7 foot tall, allegedly undead maniac with, say, a fire-poker or rake handle, they will fall down and NOT get up, allowing you to run to safety. However, it may not be such a terrible idea to FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED by clobbering that pecker-head a few more times and taking the weapon with you, as opposed to dropping in on his chest and fleeing in a panic! Women are good for this brainless mistake.

Which brings me to the cliche of the remaining survivalist chick who always seems to start off as the timid virgin, coughing out marijuana smoke/refusing alcohol/sex-'good girl' before metamorphosing into a physically strong fighter who just miraculously outlived the rest. Now, slasher films are notorious for this exorbitant blunder of plausibility, but it is noticeable that mainstream Hollywood has fully adopted this trait in it's ongoing habit of advocating feminism in horror films. Hell, if it will help keep self-important fucks like Roger Ebert from attacking their movie with accusations of it being "sexist", "pornographic", or just plain "misogynistic", by all means! Leave it to a dickless, mainstream critic to set his masculinity aside in a meager attempt to defend ALL women with half-assed slander on an innocent midnight movie or drive-in horror flick, the likes of "Maniac (1980)" and "I Spit on Your Grave (1978)" to name a few. I wonder if it got male critics laid by their fat, unsophisticated wives to slam exploitation movies out of marital pressure back in the day. Anyway, the method of dismissing the "survival of the fittest" rule of nature and allowing the weak, abstinent broad to take the reins and put the 'bad guy' in his place in the end is 'old hat'.

That's all I got for now. Thanks for reading. Watch horror flicks and keep reading Buried.com or I'll pick-axe your face!

-The Spastic Cannibal



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