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12.13.2017
Halloween: XXX Porn Parody (2011)
Movie Review by The Mortician
10.31.14

Halloween: XXX Porn Parody (2011) Wanting to watch something a little different this Samhain, I picked up the Smash Pictures X-rated "parody" of Halloween---which actually isn't funny at all, it's pretty much a dead-on, serious, "no-budget" retelling of Carpenter's original "no budget" movie where you actually get to SEE the hot leading ladies engaging in real sex in between the kills! For me, it actually worked pretty well, other than I felt some of the sex scenes lingered on far too long (for cinematic pacing reasons- now if you're a stroker, the extra time won't bother you much. Don't worry, I'm a stroker too, it's just that I'm pretty quick on the draw when watching the action! TMI, I know, I know....) If you've seen Carpenter's HALLOWEEN, the tale of a maniac breaking out of an asylum wearing a white pasty William Shatner mask and stalking a bunch of hot female babysitters on Halloween night in a small town, well, you know the story. The moviemakers make sure they riff on all the major setpieces, delivering all the naughty action of the horny, fornicating babysitters and their dirty dog boyfriends that they can. Nothing is left to the imagination and I found this unique and refreshing: real acting and hardcore porn mixed with horror! No "quick tease" shots, fast flashes, or ANYTHING left to the imagination in the sex department. The lead actresses (Lily Labeau, Andy San Dimas, and Lexi Belle) all do a credible job with their acting skills (as good as any microbudgeted DV horror movie has to offer) and there's something inherently kinky about watching Michael Myers stalk and eyeball his prey through bedroom windows as they REALLY get down to the business of doing the nasty! Call me a voyeur, but it all really fit like a glove, riffing on Carpenter's material and style! It was great seeing the sexually repressed character of Laurie masturbating while watching television and later, finally giving in to her carnal urges with Michael Myers (wearing the iconic sheet with glasses after he offs Bob in the kitchen), thinking she's boning Linda's studly beau. The lovemaking scene between Laura and Ghost Michael was spot-on greatness to me, classic horrorific sleaze-kink, Jess Franco style! Another highlight is Doctor Loomis and the nurse- while waiting for Michael to be released from the asylum for court, they engage in a HAWT sequence of the backseat rhythm in Loomis' car, before Michael breaks out and steals it. Vixen Britney Amber, playing the nurse, looked more delicious than fresh whipped cream topping a birthday cake! Ahhhhh, and the things she could do with her mouth....oh, back to the story, yes, the Michael stalking scenes are all here and the scene with Linda and her boyfriend in bed is played out quite nice (love the camera framing during the re-enactment of P.J. Soles' infamous "See anything you like?" naughty bit). The last act of the movie (where Michael chases Laurie all through the house) is recreated quite lovingly by the director---from the living room attack to the closet confrontation, complete with the hanger to the eyeball jab. Each sequence is directed with tight precision and respect. This was good stuff, nearly as fun as what Rob Zombie did with Carpenter's material! Anyway, I had a pleasant time with this variation on the Carpenter classic, while definitely more for those with, er, adventurous tastes, it filled the time up nicely, entertained me, and I, er, lightened my load a couple of times during the hot interplay with the cast. As far as the kills, most were very close to the original film, minimal violence but very effective, although the CGI blood shot during Annie's throat slash in the car caught my attention as looking super phony, bringing attention to itself...Ah, this day and age of virtual effects....at least they're not replacing the living actors having sex with CGI....yet....

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