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Lady of the Dark: Genesis of Serpent Vampire (2011)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal

Lady of the Dark: Genesis of Serpent Vampire (2011) I recently received a new batch of flicks from Chemical Burn Entertainment - easily one of the worst horror distribution companies whose work has crossed my path. The few other films in their catalog that I happen to have seen have been relatively amusing due to the laughable cliches, meager budget, and occasional tongue-in-cheek attempts at humor. I can only assume that "Lady of the Dark: Genesis of the Serpent Vampire" is the worst film that Chemical Burn Entertainment has to offer, which is saying a LOT considering some of the banal library of shit they have to show for themselves.

The movie goes like this: a blond, gap-toothed British broad is in a house. She walks up the stairs and back down. She sits in a chair. Sleeps. Walks up the stairs and back down. There's a few brief music video type interludes. Sleeps. Does yoga. Walks up the stairs and back down. Then up the same stairs. Then down. Then Up. Sleeps. Eventually, she presumably begins killing men. It's not very clear. But still, she walks up the stairs then back down. Sometimes she sits in front of a web-cam and rambles about uninteresting nothingness. Up the stairs then back down. There's some fast-motion scene of her sleeping. Then she walks up the stairs and... back down. Then UP THE FREAKIN' STAIRS! WOW!

That may have bored you. My synopsis. Yeah, that's not nearly as bad as my experience with this fucking atrocity. The whole movie is literally an ugly chick in a house - mostly just hanging out. It's seriously SO goddamn boring that I hit fast forward through the last 30 minutes or so and I STILL GOT IT (though there was really nothing to "get"). I don't know who the director is because I don't care, but he is really a fucking hack who thought he was making something "artsy" but really was just making it all up as he went along. Obviously. I couldn't believe how stupid this was. Personally, I love independent 'arthouse' cinema as long as it contains at least a fraction of aesthetic merit. "Lady of the Dark" was some no-talent idiot stretching a shitty short student film into a full-length abortion! Just don't ever watch it. Please.

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