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Piranha (2010)
Movie Review by The Spastic Cannibal

Piranha (2010) Admirers of 80s-stlye gore and those just looking for a good time, in general, will no doubt be able to enjoy "Pirahna 3D". Pretentious jag-offs who cannot appreciate the candor of a puerile Hollywood B-movie can blow me and every single one of us who laughed at Eli Roth's death.

Like his recent film line-up of the past few years indicates, Alexandre Aja hasn't an ounce of passion for the preservation of (semi) classic horror films and clearly has no intention of respectfully persuing artistic ingenuity ever since his cult slasher hit "High Tension". Such a shame. However, with the frenchy sell-out's downfall came, what I'd have to call, the best theatrical horror film of 2010 (God help us!). If you feel like disputing my claim, take a second and think. Plus, keep in mind, my opinions are FACT, bitch...

Anyway, "Pirahna 3D" definatly captures the 'vibe' of insatiably gratuitious "camp" horror enterainment. It's all kicked off with Richard Dreyfus' sinking beer bottle opening a cavern on the floor of a lake, unleashing an onslaught of hungry, prehistoric pirahna. The beach just so happens to be the hot-spot of a Spring Break retreat where the ravenous fish will eat their fill. Elisabeth Shue plays the sheriff who, along with her deputy (Ving Rhames), are the first to discover the threat of the mass attack. Jerry O'Connell is the exuberant perverted annoyance who is shooting a "Girls Gone Wild" type of tittie-flick. Shue is on a mission to wrangle the partying crowd out of the water but, of course, her efforts are inefficient. The shit hits the fan, the bloodshed is triggered, and the party REALLY begins!

I was quite surprised by this one. Wasn't digging it right off the bat - mainly due to Jerry O'Connell who I wanted to shoot in the face. Thankfully, his death was slow and involved penile destruction. That and Eli Roth's abrupt demise were more than enough to turn my attitude around and keep me nodding in approval. I didn't see "Pirahna 3D" in the theater, so I can't comment on the 3-dimensional ploy that is, without a doubt, assisting strongly in the downfall of story-based films of reasonble intellect reaching the movie-going masses, but I digress... 3-D pirahna - composed of alarmingly shitty CGI - are flying at the screen, tearing through people in more ways than you can fathom yet the majority of the gore effects were practical. Good move, Aja (you're still a twat!). Tits n' ass are also thrown at ya quite liberally in this one. A little bit of full frontal underwater ballet from a couple of nude sluts never hurt a movie, but when you toss in topless parasailing... Awesome. Just awesome. The finale was dopey as shit and the "twist" ending (shown in all the trailers and TV spots) leaves things open for a sequal which I know is now in the works.

"Pirahna 3D" panders to anyone nostalgic for the days of unapologetic gore and T&A without a social or political messege - only derivation and promotional marketing gimmicks. And as much as I've come to dislike Alexandre Aja for what he's been "contributing" to the mainstream horror scene (through desecration of other people's works), I definatly found this one easier to swallow than his prior shit. Joe Dante's original 1978 "Pirahna" is a sweet flick, but it's a flat out "Jaws" cash-in that didn't break my heart to see remade. "Pirahna 3D" is just a dimwitted dose of bloodsoaked fun that is well worth checking out...

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